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The problem is that you're in your mid 40s. Goth culture hasn't even been around long enough for people your age to have gotten into it when they were teenagers. Most people get into it when they're teenagers. And they rarely keep it up into their 40s. I totally know what you mean about being bored with Miss "I'm very laid back and like to go with the flow, I like all kinds of music, friends and family are very important to me.
No one's going to bother making the connection, and you're just distracting people from your question. Much better than OKCupid in my small town. Couldn't hurt to scan, though. I'm not single and have never used a dating site, but I know via friends that a lot of the "goth dating" sites are really just places for creepy guys to find younger goth girls beacuse they're "freaky". I second the suggestions of just using regular sites and being more selective. And don't get hung up on labels!
Goth subculture has been around for 30 years, give or take. I know more than a few eldergoths who have stayed in the scene since their teens. Seconded, just for esteem to the OP. Goth came up hand-in-hand with punk rock.
They may not keep the physical trappings up as much as they did when they were younger deathhawks are a lot of work, or hang out at concerts, but they're definitely around and in plenty of places.
Admittedly, I based my comment on a quick check of Wikipedia, which dates gothism back to the '80s. But the more relevant question for the OP's purposes is what percent of people his age are that type. Don't make that your main criterion. I think you OP may want to widen your weird-dar. The difference between someone who grew up with. Oh, and as far as the blond girl example you gave? I have friends in their mids who went from holy-crap-look-at-that-guy goth fifteen years ago to Hawaiian shirts and slacks today.
I was doing goth in the mid 70's. And the non-goths who are saying that you should give the non-goths a try are kinda not getting the goth thing. But there are a lot less of us somethings on the site, let alone something goths. I'm assuming the other commentor is correct about your age.
If not, I apologize. Both times I used dating sites, it took about 18 months to find someone. And I'm not goth and I'm female, which is an advantage on dating sites.
But it was worth the wait - the first relationship lasted 9 years, the second one is now in it's 5th year and I'm keeping this one. Also, you strike me as extremely intelligent. This, unfortunately, narrows your pool of people you can connect with. So tl;dr - just hang in there. And as a nearly 50 y. They reflected reality, as opposed to the way people wish the world really was. It's not goth per se, but it's very tolerant of people with a subcultural obsession of one kind or another.
This doesn't make any sense. Lots of those people were women who are now around However, I don't know that many women of their age who would ever label themselves "goth", even if they still dress in black and go see Mark Ryden shows.
Once you grow up a bit, you can just be yourself without subscribing to particular identifiers. OP, I think you're getting hung up on superficial types and labels here. It seems like you've decided you have a "dark" sense of humor "and then they exploded" sounds more silly than dark to me, honestly and now you're looking for superficialities that you think match up to your personality traits.
Have you been to a Bauhaus concert recently? All kinds of people are there. Lots of people in black, certainly, but also lots of people that are perfectly normal looking. Can you make assumptions about the sense of humor of any of these people, black garbed or otherwise? Anecdotally, some of the most earnest and unfunny people I recently met were goth-esque, clove smoking men that worked at a corset makers. Look for personality traits that match yours. And if you really like the look of subculture-y people too, start going out to events and seeing bands where those people go and get to know some of them.
Most importantly, never, ever, put jokes in your profile. First you say that what I said doesn't make sense, then you explain why what I said does make sense. That is, of course there are people in the OP's age range who were listening to similar kinds of music when they were younger.
They might still have an affinity with that music now. But he just gave musical tastes as background context for wanting "goth" types.
It's like the difference between people who loved "hippie" music when they were teenagers in the '60s and still have an attachment to that music many, many people and year-olds who are still literal, overt "hippies" very few.
Again, these are all generalizations and back-of-the-envelope statistics. Are there die-hard goths in their 40s? I'm sure there are. But have the vast majority of the kids I knew in high school who were into goth culture settled down into a more-or-less mainstream existence, even if they still have a countercultural personality which might appeal to the OP and some of the same music in their iPods?
I bet they have. Which means they're unlikely to be on a goth-specific dating site, which is what I believe this question is about. And to be clear, I'm not saying that his musical taste is so incredibly unusual that he's unlikely to find women who share it. I mean, one of his examples was Nirvana -- a fairly popular band! Do you go to goth or industrial clubs? That's a much easier way to meet people in the subculture than to date online.
Your age may or may not be a problem depending on what your local scene is like, but where I live Vancouver there is a whole age range and a lot of people in their 30's and 40's. A lot of people who do have the same taste as you won't identify as goth because of all the embarrassing things the label entails.
I am a clove-smoking black-wearing Bauhaus fan but I would rather have a root canal than join a goth dating site or something like Vampirefreaks.
You can date someone with different taste in books and music than you. Plus, a lot of the bands you mentioned Nirvana, Metallica etc. Give them a chance and open yourself to different kinds of people. Even "normal" people can enjoy morbid jokes.
You're probably not as full of "misery and darkness" as you think you are. No matter what your style or taste, being obsessed with how different and daaark you are will make you come across as a pretentious twit. Some very interesting points. It's going to take me a while to read and assimilate it all, but I do appreciate it! To clarify one thing: I'm not trying to disparage the "laid back," "go with the flow" girls. I have nothing but respect for them. It's just that I don't know how to make them laugh.
Blanket generalities and assumptions do not get a man laid or engaged or whatever sweet middle you're looking for. Not a woman on earth wants to hear "I don't know how to Be a better and more interesting person for it.
Jillian Venters, author of Gothic Charm Schoolis in her early 40s and going strong - and brilliantly so, if you ask me. Jared Louche of Chemlab makes no secret of the fact that he's So you needn't worry about your age. For some of us, "goth" is a hell of a lot more than a high school stereotype; among other things, it's also a lifestyle, a passion for music, an aesthetic, an appreciation of dark themes in art and literature, a taste for the dramatic in fashion and home decor, a live-and-let-live attitude toward variation and diversity in human sexuality There's nothing wrong with any of that; in fact, age and maturity can actually deepen your appreciation for it.
Finding someone who's interested in monogamy may actually be more of a challenge in dating than your age is, because poly people are so heavily concentrated in the goth scene and other alternative subcultures. So I think the advice to take a closer look at women who may seem outwardly normal but may secretly want to "let their freak flag fly" as delmoi so aptly put it is also good.
Just this week, in fact, I met an attractive single man who hardly ever wears black and would never be identified as "one of us" upon first glance, but whose musical tastes and other sensibilities, it turns out, are remarkably compatible with mine.
Quite a pleasant surprise. So I'd say be clear about what you want I like browolf's approach. I will tell you that one of the best things I have done in recent months to improve my social life, and therefore my dating prospects, is to revive my long-dormant Facebook account and use it to actively get to know other middle-aged eccentric and artsy people in my city.
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I go out to clubs and concerts as frequently as possible, take photos of bands and people on my friends list, and then post those photos to Facebook where my whole network can see them and comment on them.
I post frequently about my music listening habits, and comment on the posts of others with similar tastes in a way that encourages further discussion.
I also actively encourage my friends to introduce me to their other friends, both on Facebook and in person. There's been a bit of flirting, a few attempts from friends to fix me up with their single friends, and even a couple of dates.
That's quite a bit of success for an introvert like me! If you're in a city with a fairly sizable goth scene, I'll bet you can do the same. If you're in SF as mentioned earlier in this thread, I'm sure you know there is a large goth scene there. Take advantage of it. Ask your friends to introduce you around!
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You can also link your dating profile from your Facebook account and other sites, so that interested people can check it out. You could also try Gothic Personals. That site is kind of clunky and could use a redesign, but at least it's free, and it's run by someone who's actually involved in the goth scene. If you have a profile on a music site like last.
Sometimes music sites can lead you to other cool people in your local area who share your musical tastes but with whom you might not cross paths at the clubs and shows. Hell, I happen to have several awesome gothy friends in the Bay area.
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If you want, I'll ask if I can give you their contact info, and maybe they can introduce you to some of their friends, and so on, and with a little luck and effort you'll be off and running. Memail me if interested. Good luck, and rock on with your bad, black-clad self! I thought this description: I'm still cleaning out the tumbleweeds. So I'd say keep up the jokes; it's a good way to weed out those who don't share your sense of humor.
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I'm one of those, and I've got to imagine there's still plenty of others. Of course, this is more just a "don't worry" comment than a "how to find them" one. Wait, who is saying this? Yet you seem to be alluding to my earlier comments. Saying that goths are mainly prevalent around high school age and tend to drop it once they get into even the age range, and even more so by the time they'reis not saying that being a goth is inherently an "adolescent phase. There's nothing inherently bad about things that are done mostly in the teenage years.
We could make a list of good things teenagers do much more often than middle-aged people for instance, intensively learning foreign languages, or voraciously discovering lots of new music. So, observing that something's done mostly by young people isn't an insult.
And all these comments about how there are goths in their 40s seem to be clearly up a confusion that no one actually has. That is, nobody's questioning whether there are goths in their 40s. Of course there are. The question is whether this type should be the main focus of the OP's dating search. To answer "no" is not to say that goths in the OP's age range don't exist, and it's certainly not to put down goths.
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